Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
True college students do jello shots in the library
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