Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
