The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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