you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize