Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
