I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize