I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
