I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
