fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
