We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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