So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sext me about skeletons
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize