i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
