In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
