just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
