What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Life is so much better after having sex.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
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