Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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