I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My vagina is officially offended.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
