She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
