I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
