You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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