walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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