apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
