I will die if light touches me.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
