he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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