I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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