Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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