i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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