my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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