i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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