remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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