Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
