Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
