I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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