I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
