you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
