I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
