You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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