someone get that fucking seahorse.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
