pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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