put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
