Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
