just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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