My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
