i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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