im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
