whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
