dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize