Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
