I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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