I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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