Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize