That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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