They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
