Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
