He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
