P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
