He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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