Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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